It’s Monday, July 1, 2015 and, today, I finally see the light.
As I write this, I am still unsure whether it’s too soon to tell my story, but I promised myself that once I felt better, I would share my experience in the hopes that it might help someone going through the same situation.
The morning of April 13, nearly three months ago, I woke up feeling odd—not my usual self. Little did I know, it was the beginning of my journey through postpartum anxiety.
My life has always been an incredible one. I have an unbelievably loving family—whose support enabled me to achieve anything I set my mind to—unconditional friends, endless opportunities and a great education. I have always been extremely lucky. In other words, I didn’t have a complaint in the world. I could only thank God and my family for growing up in such a privileged way.
My daughter was born February 18th, 2015, and my already happy life was complete. My incredible husband was by my side through the painful and intense labor, and that night, at 10:38pm, we both sat in awe at what we had created together.
Those first two months were more than perfect; they were nirvana. My husband and I were more in love than ever, our beautiful baby was healthy, and we couldn’t ask for anything more. On paper, I had it all. People would approach me with, “you don’t look like you just had a baby,” “you’re glowing,” and “you look more rested than before.” I truly had the best pregnancy and postpartum experience anyone could wish for.
But at 4:00am on that fateful April 13th, I was startled out of bed with the image of something terrifying happening to me. I thought it was just a nightmare, but that entire day I felt “off” and a little down. My husband had just had a medical scare a few days before, almost fainting due to low blood sugar (he has Type 1 Diabetes) and motherly apprehension came rushing to my brain all of a sudden—what if my daughter gets diabetes?
I got pregnant knowing that my baby had a higher chance of getting Type 1 Diabetes, but it never really bothered me, as the chances are very low. But for some reason, on that particular day, it actually felt like a real threat for the first time. I later learned that that event was the trigger to my postpartum anxiety/depression.
My mind began conjuring up images of horrible things happening to Isabella and I as the days went by. They became so horrific, so debilitating, that at one point, I felt like I wasn’t going to make it to the next morning.
I have always been very even-keeled and, thankfully, never struggled with mental illness before. I guess this was the reason I was even more afraid of what was going on—this was so foreign to me, and I was scared for my life.
The vivid images became more and more common, and worse by the second. I would wake up drenched in sweat, unable to stop shaking, wanting to scrub the images from my head.
I made an appointment with a psychologist and explained what I was going through. I realized at my lowest point of desperation, exhaustion and pure fright that she didn’t know how to treat what I had: Postpartum Anxiety and Depression. Finally seeking help and it not working out was so overwhelming; that I just felt like my life was about to end.
Questions started rushing through my mind.
How did a sweet and loving mother become a person I didn’t recognize overnight?
How was I going to keep my company afloat?
How was I going to take care of my baby?
How was I going to change her diapers?
How was I going to continue being the wife I loved being?
How was I going to be the supportive friend I had always been?
I felt like an alien had taken over my brain, and I had no control over it.
My fears ranged from being put away in a mental institution, leaving my daughter without a mother, to horrific things happening to the baby and me.
I could not watch the news, see people struggling with mental illness walking the streets, listen to sad stories, or even look at billboards that had any words with a negative connotation on them. The tiniest thing could trigger my anxiety and panic attacks.
My husband found a psychologist that specialized in women’s mental health, and I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I learned I was suffering from a hormone imbalance that was causing a very common disorder called Postpartum Anxiety, which falls under the umbrella of Postpartum Depression. It was a relief to know that there was a name for what I was going through, even though the panic and anxiety didn’t go away.
After my first session, I learned that having a baby usually triggers thoughts about the fragility of life. For the first time, I was responsible for another human being’s life, so my brain was playing out the scenarios that I feared the most. That, along with my husband’s health scare, decreased my levels of Serotonin (the hormone known to make you happy), leading to the perfect storm inside my brain.
My world had changed so drastically after having my baby, that only until two months after giving birth did my brain begin to cope with the incredibly daunting responsibility of keeping my baby safe—and with the idea that even a little mistake might cost me my daughter’s life.
My OBGYN reassured me that it was temporary and extremely common, affecting more than 30% of new moms. The reason I hadn’t heard much about it, was that it’s still an apparently taboo subject that many women prefer to keep private. That was the moment I promised myself I was going to share my story; to help other women understand that this doesn’t mean you are weak, and it by no means should make you feel guilty or like you’ve failed. On the contrary, it is something out of your control, because it’s a hormone imbalance. But, with the appropriate help, this will pass and you will be your normal self again.
My doctor recommended I start Zoloft, a common antidepressant for pregnant and nursing mothers, to balance everything out again. In the beginning, I was hesitant about taking any kind of drug, given that I was breastfeeding. But later, I understood that if I wasn’t feeling okay, I could never be okay with others. Mom comes first, family second. And so, I decided to start.
I suffered through three months of pure agony, but in hindsight, I am glad that I went through this, because it made me a more understanding and appreciative person. I see every morning that I open my eyes as a gift, and I do not take my days for granted anymore. Instead, I choose to enjoy every second of it and help others understand that this is a common disorder and, again, it will pass. You will get through it.
And so I circle back to my ultimate passion, and the reason you are reading this post: Travel! Traveling, among other things, was a big part of what helped me to get over those challenging months. I decided to go to The Golden Door Spa to get out of the everyday routine. Planning a trip to a place I knew I was going to be pampered and catch up on sleep got me excited and helped me immensely.
They say sleep, massages, exercise routines, talking about your struggle and healthy meals are usually the best ways to get over anxiety or depression, so that is exactly what I did.
After my stay at Golden Door, I researched the top 5 spas in the U.S. that are ideal to clear your mind and help you work on your mental and physical wellness. Most of these spas have a weekly plan to get you in shape with trainers, psychologist and sometimes psychiatrists:
Golden Door. Escondido, California
Three words: Luxury boot camp! On nearly 400 acres of serene Southern California land, lies a dreamy Japanese-inspired Spa called the Golden Door. This unique retreat is dedicated to personal wellness, bringing world-class spa techniques, fitness facilities, and zen-like accommodations to globe-trotters who are seeking to recharge and have a fresh start. Read More
Cal-a-Vie. San Diego, California
French name, French architecture and French elegance? Yes please! This crème de la crème spa is a stunning oasis nestled in the hills just north of San Diego with the most breathtaking location in the city. Cal-a-Vie has the most luxurious spa I have ever seen and soon you will as well. Like Golden Door, they tailor every program to suit your personal fitness goals. There is a 5:1 staff-to-guest ratio. Over the top? Nah, I would say it is just perfect for a fussy guest like our readers. We all deserve a little pampering, right? Read More
Canyon Ranch. Tucson, Arizona
We have all heard of Canyon Ranch, but have you ever been to it?
Canyon Ranch, also known as the most popular spa in the country, was the pioneer of the hotel/spa customized program. Canyon Ranch is far away from the hustle and bustle so you can rest easy knowing you completely transported out of the noisy surroundings. As soon as you arrive in the lobby, the clean and elegant dessert décor with unobstructed views of the endless dunes will quickly put you in a zen mode.
Mayflower Inn & Spa. Washington, Connecticut
If you live in the Northeast and you are looking for a place to get away, keep reading. If you are looking for a top-notch spa, but don’t feel like getting on a plane for 5 hours, grab your car, drive a short 2 hours and prepare to get blown away by this over the top Manor home in Connecticut.
Make sure you don’t judge this book by its cover. At first glance, you will see many old money couples and perhaps a few faces that look like they are frozen from so much Botox, but once you step into this Inn, I promise, you will feel right at home. The crisp and clean décor reminds me of the house I’ve never had, but always dreamed of. Read more
Lake Austin Spa. Austin, Texas
Someone once told me that Lake Austin has the looks of a luxury first-class spa, but the warmth of a friend’s lake house. He was right. Nestled along Lake Austin, the scenic and peaceful view provides the perfect backdrop to unwind. While sometimes 2 glasses of wine do the trick, once in a while a spa weekend is just necessary and Lake Austin won’t disappoint.
The spa itself is gorgeous and the staff makes you feel like you are the only guest that matters to them. You can literally do anything you want. Read more
Photos courtesy of the properties and Natalie Yates Photography. Edited by Nadia Dabbakeh
